Water

Posted: December 17, 2010
1:00 am Eastern

© 2010

Johnny Crawford and me, nightclub act "Going Hollywood," 1980

Johnny Crawford ("The Rifleman") "discovered" me in 1980. We were doing summer stock in Birmingham, Ala. I was a 19-year-old ingénue doing flip flops in the chorus line. I had just left Furman and Auburn University and my fiancé, Paul, whom I was not allowed to marry because we were "too young." Johnny was a 33-year-old "real actor from Hollywood," and the lead in "Meet Me in St. Louis," which happened to be my first paid acting job. Johnny bought me a one-way ticket to Hollywood to be in his nightclub act. He called my parents to ask permission. When we arrived at his Hollywood Hills home I asked him where I should sleep. He said, "What?!"

I said, "I don't sleep with men. I told you I was a Baptist virgin."

He said, "Wh, wh … then, why did I bring you here?"

I replied, "To be in your nightclub act!"

"Oh. Yeah."

I slept on the couch of his Hollywood Hills home for about a month. One day he said, "Victoria, I can't date anyone with a 20-year-old blonde sleeping on my couch," so I answered an ad in the L.A. Times to be a waitress at the Kipling Retirement Hotel on Western and 3rd, for room and board. Our nightclub act was well-received. Johnny introduced me to my first agent, Betty at the William Morris Agency commercial department. I made up a stand-up routine, and after three years performing it about town, I got a spot on Johnny Carson. Johnny Crawford and I did the play "Lovers and Other Strangers." When I got my job on "Saturday Night Live," Johnny was very proud, and rightfully so.

"Lovers and Other Strangers" promo, 1981

Now, 30 years later, we talk politics. Diamond Johnny "gets it." He's one of us. We were discussing all of the mysterious "crises" the government is inventing to justify their power takeover:

1. the global warming "crisis" – to control energy (cap 'n tax)
2. the oil spill "crisis" – to stop off shore drilling and "cap" economic growth
3. the flu "epidemic" – to bribe socialized medicine into law and control life and death
4. the obesity "crisis" – to control our food and kids
5. the underwear bomber "crisis" – to look at us naked
6. the WikiLeaks "crisis" – to stop conservative talk radio, Fox News and the Internet, to eliminate freedom of speech
7. I'm anticipating some water "crisis" now, especially since Obama-appointed science czar John P. Holdren wrote a book that suggests the spiking of drinking water for sterilization purposes.

Johnny Crawford is an expert on water now. To buy some you can contact him at charlottemckenna@charter.net. He says to me, "You really should try this ... http://kangen-water-machines.com/index.htm … you'll live longer and lose weight."

I reply, "Oh. Well, my husband calls me 'feather,' so, ahem, and .... um, hey, remember when Rahm Emanuel said, 'You never want a serious crisis to go to waste, and what I mean by that is an opportunity to do things that you didn't think you could do before.' Is that quote taken from the book 'Rules for Radicals' written by Saul Alinsky and dedicated to Lucifer?

"Whatever happened to that oil spill? Nature fixes itself, right? And, I don't know anyone who got that killer flu, do you?"

Johnny says, "Victoria, you have to come to this lecture Saturday, about the water. What water do you drink? Bottled water? It has acid. That is so bad for us … the alkaline ..."

I say, "I'll go to the lecture Saturday and hear about the water that makes me live longer, if you go to church with me Sunday and hear about the Living Water that gives you eternal life!"

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